Flaming Bamboo
by Obi the Kid
Summary: A Yappy Obi story! Archives Mari threatens Obi-Wan, and nonsense ensues.


**Title:** Flaming Bamboo

**Author:** Obi the Kid

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** A Yappy Obi story! Archives Mari threatens Obi-Wan, and nonsense ensues.

**Note:** Don't ask how this came about, just Brenda and I being silly and coming up with something called Flaming Bamboo that I thought sounded like a book title…so I was challenged to make it into a Yappy Obi fic. So, here it is - for all you YO fans.

* * *

Obi: Master Qui-Gon?

Qui: Yes, Obi-Wan?

Obi: What is a Flaming Bamboo?

Qui: A who, what?

Obi: A Flaming Bamboo.

Qui: Ah, uh, um…ah…

Obi: Thank you for clearing that up. Archives Mari said if I didn't shut up and get out of her Archives, that she was going to Flaming Bamboo me. I don't know what that means so I can't decide if it's a good thing or bad.

Qui: Was she yelling it at you and chasing you out of the Archives?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: Then it's bad.

Obi: But what is it?

Qui: No idea.

Obi: I thought you were wise.

Qui: I am.

Obi: Then tell me what it is.

Qui: I don't know.

Obi: How can I learn from you if you don't know anything?

Qui: I know a lot of things, just not that.

Obi: If you don't know that, then how can you know anything?

Qui: I know plenty.

Obi: Then tell me what a Flaming Bamboo is.

Qui: Obi-Wan, I don't have any idea what a Flaming Bamboo is or what it means. Ask Mari.

Obi: You really want me to go back in there?

Qui: Better than standing around here asking me questions I can't answer.

Obi: But you are my master, it's your job to answer my questions.

Qui: It's also your job to figure out problems on your own. How about you start that now?

Obi: I should ask Master Bren. She'll know. She's a woman. She knows everything.

Qui: Please don't start that. And what about Mari? She's a woman.

Obi: But she's dating Master Poof.

Qui: Wha…?

Obi: She's dating Master Poof, I can't ask her. If I do, she'll probably sic him on me and he'll mock me to death. I can't die until my girlie fight when I'm old and gray, you know that. So, that's a no go. And besides, hello? She's the one who threatened me with the Flaming Bamboo thing in the first place! We just talked about that like thirty seconds ago, Master. You should have your memory checked.

Qui: And you should have your mouth sewn shut.

Obi: Ouch.

Qui: If you want to know the answer to your question, you need to ask Mari.

Obi: And what if I do and she Flaming Bamboo's me?

Qui: Then you'll know what it means.

Obi: Master! Wait…wait…you have a point. Okay, I'll do it. If I don't come back by dinner, assume I have been bamboo'd and send out a search party.

Qui: Right. I'll be sure to do that.

Obi: You wouldn't come to look for me, would you?

Qui: Well, there's that whole 'you have to be missing for 24 hours before temple security considers you missing thing.'

Obi: If I went missing you would have a party, wouldn't you?

Qui: Just a small one.

Obi: Small? Oh, just you and Master Bren and…oh, ewww, Master. Why do you put nasty images in my head? I'm leaving.

Qui: Bye.

Obi: Hi Archives Mari. I have a research question for you.

Mari: Get the hell out of my archives!

Obi: Such language around one so young and innocent.

Mari: You have ten seconds to tell me what you want. One…two…ten.

Obi: That's not how you count to ten. Is that why you run the Archives instead of working with numbers?

Mari: Death will be painful. Yes. Very painful.

Obi: Wait! Before you kill me, tell me what you meant.

Mari: What are you talking about?

Obi: When I was here before.

Mari: I've blocked those memories. My brain can no longer access them.

Obi: Master Poof taught you that didn't he?

Mari: No, yes, no, well, yes. How do you know that?

Obi: I know what you two do after hours and beside the fact that it's nasty beyond all belief - it's just flat out wrong.

Mari: Not a clue what you are talking about.

Obi: Adult mush? Hello?

Mari: You mean…oh, oh, no no no no no no. With that thing? Wait, have you spread that rumor around the temple? If you did, I will do more than Flaming Bamboo you.

Obi: That's it!

Mari: That's what?

Obi: What you just said. What is it?

Mari: What is what?

Obi: What you are going to do to me.

Mari: Murder?

Obi: You can't kill me. Master Qui-Gon won't allow it.

Mari: You 100% sure on that?

Obi: Yes! Sorta. Well, not really. No.

Mari: Okay, why are you here?

Obi: I need an answer to my question.

Mari: What question?

Obi: Are we going in circles?

Mari: If you don't tell me what you want, I will kick your a…

Obi: OKAY! Sheesh! Aren't archive-ians, archivans…archivistians….hmm…aren't archive people supposed to be calm and peaceful and homely?

Mari: You watch too many holo's. Tell me what you what or I will Flaming Bamboo you.

Obi: That!

Mari: That what?

Obi: I want to know what that is.

Mari: What what is?

Obi: That! What you just said.

Mari: You want to know what 'what what' is?

Obi: Uh, what?

Mari: What, what?

Obi: Huh?

Mari: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

Obi: The veins in your neck are starting to pop out. That happens to Master Qui-Gon a lot. Sometimes in the neck and then the forehead. I told him he should see Healer Terran about it, you know how much healers like to poke at him, but he always tells me to shut up when I tell him to see the healer. Why do men always try and avoid medical stuff? Master Bren told me that 'it's a guy thing', and she knows everything, but I'm a guy and I like going to visit the healers. It's better when Healer Terran wears gloves though. His hands are like popsicles. Really icy, cold, shocking little pop…

Mari: One…two…three….four…

Obi: Five…six…seven…why are we counting?

Mari: I am trying to calm myself if you must know. I'm on the verge of strangling you or smothering you with a pillow, I haven't decided which is best.

Obi: A pillow is more comfortable and makes less noise and if you…

Mari: Look, you little weasel, if you don't tell me what you want, I will Fla…

Obi: I know, I know. You'll Flaming Bamboo me. Jeez, I get it. Just tell me what it means.

Mari: What what means?

Obi: What you just said! Is everyone in the temple going insane? I am speaking standard, right? Not Wookie-ese or…

Mari: Okay, complete this sentence. I want to know what you mean when you say…

Obi: I want to know what you mean when you say…

Mari: Don't repeat it, you moron. Finish it.

Obi: I didn't start it, why would I finish it?

Mari: Perhaps I should get Poof to Flaming Bamboo you.

Obi: Yes, that's it!

Mari: You want that?

Obi: Huh? Oh, no. I want to know what it means.

Mari: For Poof to Flaming Bamboo you?

Obi: Yes! Well not him, specifically, but in general.

Mari: You want to know what Flaming Bamboo means?

Obi: Yes, sheesh! Finally. We could have finished this conversation an hour ago if you would have just LISTENED to me.

Mari: No one should ever have to listen to you.

Obi: So what does it mean?

Mari: You really want to know?

Obi: Yes please.

Mari: _Now _you get polite?

Obi: Master Qui-Gon told me to always have manners when I want something.

Mari: Did he ever tell you how to shut…damn it! Never mind.

Obi: You seem stressed.

Mari: You would be too if you had to deal with you.

Obi: I have to deal with me every day and I'm a happy kid.

Mari: You are not right in the head is what you are.

Obi: Are you going to tell me or not? I'll leave if you tell me.

Mari: Tell you what?

Obi: You don't follow along very well, do you?

Mari: Oh the bamboo thing.

Obi: Waiting…

Mari: If I say I am going to Flaming Bamboo you, it means I am going to kick your a…

Obi: WAIT!

Mari: …ss…what? Why?

Obi: That's not what it means.

Mari: Is too.

Obi: Is not.

Mari: Is too.

Obi: Is not.

Mari: Is…STOP IT!

Obi: You started it.

Mari: Please get out.

Obi: No.

Mari: I said please. Remember, manners?

Obi: That only applies to me, per Master Qui-Gon. You'll have to talk to him if you want me to actually obey when other people say please.

Mari: Okay fine. Flaming Bamboo means I will set you on fire, wrap you in a tree root and then bury you underground. There. Happy?

Obi: Not really. I was hoping for something cooler. You got that out of Master Bren's torture book, didn't you?

Mari: You mean _my_ torture book. Well, the book that belongs to the Archives.

Obi: You shouldn't be so possessive.

Mari: And you shouldn't be permitted to continue living.

Obi: Harsh. Okay, so maybe I'll ask Master Bren what it means.

Mari: I told you what it means, you idiot.

Obi: Stress. Name calling. Profanity. Raised voice. Torture talk. No wonder the Archives are always empty.

Mari: Only empty when you come in. You come, they run. You leave, they return.

Obi: I should try and fake them out then, huh?

Mari: No, you should just leave. You found out the answer to your question, now go.

Obi: But I…

Qui: Obi-Wan?

Mari: Thank the living Force. Jinn, remove your child or I will…

Obi: Ooo, I know, I know! Or she will Flaming Bamboo me.

Mari: Remove him now.

Qui: Did you know the veins in your neck are…

Mari: YES! I KNOW. LEAVE! NOW!

Qui: Will do. Obi-Wan stop harassing people with connections to the Council.

Mari: I am not dating that long necked freak!

Obi: Awww, that's sweet. She has a nickname for him and everything. Where are we going master?

Qui: To see Bren.

Obi: Why?

Qui: Because she is having surgery tomorrow and I want to wish her well.

Obi: Surgery for what?

Qui: You do not need to know.

Obi: I should though.

Qui: No, you should not. If you know, the entire temple knows.

Obi: I can keep a secret, Master. I'll prove it. Tell me.

Qui: No.

Obi: Can I ask her?

Qui: If you want to die before you get a chance to fight your girlie fight, sure.

Obi: Oh, I can't do that. I need the girlie fight. Okay, I won't ask her. Can I ask you something though?

Qui: No, I will not hug you.

Obi: Not that.

Qui: You don't want a hug?

Obi: Sure I do. I always want hugs, but that wasn't my question.

Qui: What is your question?

Obi: Would you ever consider Flaming Bambooing me?

Qui: I'll go with 'I don't think so' on this one.

Obi: Whew. Good. Can I ask you another question?

Qui: If you must.

Obi: Okay.

Qui: What's the question?

Obi: Huh?

Qui: You wanted to ask me another question.

Obi: No, I said can I ask you another question?

Qui: And I replied yes. So ask.

Obi: But you already answered.

Qui: I did not. You didn't ask it.

Obi: I did. I said, can I ask you another question?

Qui: And I said yes. Ask your question.

Obi: More circles. I DID! You answered. Has the entire temple gone dense?

Qui: Obi-Wan?

Obi: Yes, Master?

Qui: What is your question?

Obi: Can I ask you another question?

Qui: You can. I said that. Ask it. Damn it!

Obi: You're starting to sound like Archives Mari.

Qui: Ask your damn question.

Obi: I already diiiiiiiiiiiid!

Qui: Don't make me Flaming Bamboo you.

Obi: Hey, you said you'd never do that to me!

Qui: I said I didn't _think _I would. That leaves the door open.

Obi: That's cheating.

Qui: The title of Master allows me to call the shots.

Obi: The title of Apprentice allows me to deflect them.

Qui: One…two…three…

Obi: Forehead veins. I see them. Let's take you to see Healer Terran.

Qui: No. Go visit with Bren. She'll shut you up.

Obi: Can I ask her…

Qui: NO! I'll be along just as soon as I talk to Mari about the exact steps I need in order to begin and complete the Flaming Bambooing of my padawan.

Obi: Uh, Master?

Qui: Yes?

Obi: Bye!

* * *

The End


End file.
